So much for posting an entry every day for the month of November. *sigh*

Being the second to last day of the challenge, I figure I better check in and let folks know that no, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Remember the headaches I started having a couple of weeks ago? Well it has left me fairly incapacitated in the past few days. I am currently on some fairly strong narcotics to control the pain and I'm still in limbo as far as knowing what the heck is causing all of this. The docs don't really know for sure what's going on yet either. I've undergone a few tests including a head CT and even went to see my dentist just to cover all the bases. Right now I need a real-life House. Migraines? Sinusitis? Blood pressurres cause or effect? Hell, at it's worst, I've even thought that I wouldn't mind hearing that I've got a tumor or something, just so I KNOW what the problem is and get on with trying to fix it. At this point, all we're doing is finding different meds to try to keep my days livable. The worst part of this darn thing is that it's affected my dear family. Chris has been a real trooper and I HATE that "not right now, Mommy doesn't feel too good" has become such a common phrase around the house.

So... I'll be back in the doctor's office again tomorrow and at least I got to go home from the ER early this morning instead of being admitted in the hospital. I'll make sure to update everyone when we find out what's going on. Not to worry, I haven't been this miserable the entire time I was off blogging. Though my headaches had started by then, we actually had a blast last weekend taking Audrey on her first camping trip and enjoying a great day at the beach with my coworkers for a day. I'll try and post a little about that in the next few days. Hope you folks are having a MUCH better time than I have had. Take care and remember to hug your loved ones today.

I got quite a mix of reactions from the last blog post with the same title. Among the reactions were people who got what I was saying (other mothers mainly-- makes you wonder, doesn't it?) and people who (I think) got concerned that I was sounding... depressed, perhaps? Not to worry, I'm not down that road again. I do realize that there are very few moments that I am truly alone and please understand that I accept and love the fact that I am someone's wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend. I guess I was just looking for something that was just my own. I doubt that I'm explaining it any better now than I was before, but rest assured, I am okay. If nothing else, that last post made me look at myself a little closer. So... since I didn't have to work today and therefore am not feeling completely mentally and physically exhausted and since (thank goodness!) my horrible headaches seem to have abated, let me tell you about one of the things about me that turns out to be my own. (Here comes the self-centered stuff, Tanya)

I am an avid dance enthusiast.

I can't recall a time that I didn't want to dance. It started with ballet as a young child. No, I didn't take classes-- my mother was a little overprotective. But I did dream about it and secretly envied my classmates who were in ballet class. I spent a lot of time walking on tip toes back then and every once in a while I'll catch myself doing it even now. But the dream didn't last. Like so many others, it was a dream set aside because it was too impractical. That, and the fact that my father regularly taunted me about my "big feet" didn't really help. It wasn't until I was in college that I started thinking about dance again. By then, ballet itself was just "too much". I was too inflexible and too old to start (at least, so i thought). So I took ballroom, latin, even Filipino cultural dance classes instead. With each new dance I tried, I fell in love. Unfortunately, I had to stop taking classes because nursing school just got a little too busy. Not long after graduation, however, I was able to convince a good friend of mine to take some salsa dance classes with me. After a while, we got comfortable enough to go to the salsa clubs and a couple of salsa parties. I had so much fun. I felt good. I felt healthy. Hell, I even felt sexy! So what happened? I had surgery that kept me out of dancing for a while. What I thought would be a short absence ended up being the end of salsa for me. To be honest, I don't really know what kept me away after that. *shrug*

Today I'm not taking any dance classes or going out dancing... yet. But not a day goes by that dancing isn't on my mind. if I'm not dancing with Audrey or Chris in the living room, I'm watching the only reality television that I consider worth watching-- So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With The Stars (but don't talk to me about what's going on now since I'm still playing catch up. Thank goodness for DVRs!). In addition, when I found out that he was going to be dancing in Hawaii, I went to see Baryshnikov dance, and like a weenie, I got teary-eyed as soon as he stepped on stage. I also have a ton of DVD's with dancing/about dancing from my birthday that I still have to watch. AND not too long ago I finally finished watching all my Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies.

So what am I saying? I guess it's that today's answer to the 'who am I?" question would be-- I'm a dance nut. Hell, it's even in my name: danseuse. All I have to do now is get dancing again. And this time, remember not to stop.


(just ONE of the dances with Astaire and Rogers that I absolutely adore)

Feeling uninspired at 11:42PM and only a few more minutes to post today. Here's a photograph I took downtown very early in the morning. It reminds me of some of Jacques-Louis David's paintings, at least in the lighting. I'm looking for a title. Any suggestions? I'm actually toying with Neruda's title "The Light Wraps You." Not too sure that the poem itself goes with it though.

yet spent the entire afternoon nursing a horrible headache. Which I still have. So posting anything good is the last thing on my mind. See you all tomorrow.

In the past month, I've come to get to know quite a few people from visiting their blogs-- either through the meet_other_moms  community or though NaBloPoMo.  One of the things that really made an impression was how a lot of these people can write such vivid descriptions of who they are.  Then here I am, stuck on only the 5th writing assignment of 'The Sound of Paper' because it's asking me to write out a description of who I am now.  It's been several weeks since I hit that assignment and I still haven't written it out.  I've been avoiding it and I think I now I have an inkling why. 

Ever see the movie "For Keeps"?  There's a scene later in the movie where she gets postpartum depression and finally sits down at her typewriter to write.  She says how in giving birth, a part of her was ripped out along with her baby.  Perhaps not quite as dramatically, but I do feel what she says.  It's like somewhere between being the expectant mother and becoming a mother, I lost myself.  All that I knew of who I was disappeared.  Don't get me wrong-- there's nothing I love more than being a mother to such a wonderful little girl.  But... it seems that nowadays I can't answer the question "who am I?" without relating myself to another person -- wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc. 

For quite some time, I've been reading and doing exercises to "find myself"-- cliche, I know.  But the truth is, I've spent a lot of time looking back.  Memoir, hello?  When it comes right down to it, I've avoided looking at me NOW.  I guess that's why I'm so afraid to write an "about me" section.  I'm too afraid of what I'll find when I take other people out of the equation.  Who am I when I'm standing alone?  It sound a little TOO lonely.  Will I find someone I like?  Will I find anyone at all? 

God I hope so. 

but still left an hour late. *sigh*  The work goal for next week-- drink enough during the day, pee when I need to (TMI?), no late lunches and do no more than 12 hours per shift!  Anyway, I'm a bit wiped at the moment so blogging really isn't much of a priority.  I get a day off tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to post something a little more interesting.  I may even be able to catch up on everyone else's posts as well.  One thing's for sure--tomorrow the dog's gonna get walked. 



With a face like this, how could I refuse?

14 hours of hell at work.  I turn the corner.  Hubby's sitting on a bench with roses he picked up after hearing my stressed out voice on the phone. 



If not for you, I WOULD murder them all and eat their livers.  Love you, Boo.

Here's a video I found for today.

   
                                         
 

Long day at work as usual.  Not much to say there other than it was long and I'm glad it's over.  That and I was one of the lucky ones to get the inactivated H1N1 vaccine.  I'm a little wheezy this evening, but other than that, no reactions... yet. 

As requested, here are the recipes mentioned from yesterday's post.  (Hey, it gives me something to write other than "I have nothing to write" *grin*)

For oasis_chick : 


Slow Cooker Pepper Steak
2 tbsp vegetable oil
3 lbs. sirloin steak, cut into strips
1 heaping tbsp minced garlic (5 to 6 cloves)
1 medium onion, chopped
1/2 cup reduced-sodium soy sauce
2 tsp sugar
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp black pepper
3 green bell peppers, cut into strips
1/4 cup cold water
1tbsp cornstarch
 Hot cooked white rice

1.  heat oil in large skillet over medium-low heat.  Brown steak strips; sprinkle with garlic.
2.  Transfer meat and pan juices to slow cooker.  Add onion, soy sauce, sugar, salt, ginger, and black pepper; mix well.  Cover; cook on LOW 6 to 8 hours or until meat is tender (up to 10 hours.)
3. in final hour of cooking, add bell pepper strips.  Before serving, mix together water and cornstarch; stir into slow cooker.  Cook on HIGH 10 minutes or until thickened.  Serve over hot rice. 



And for Joanie and her army:

Breakfast Berry Bread Pudding
6 cups bread, preferably dense peasant-style or sourdough cut into 3/4-to 1-inc cubes
1/2 cup slivered almonds, toasted
1 cup raisins
6 large eggs, beaten
1 3/4 cup milk (1% or greater)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups brown sugar (increase to 2 cups if making bread pudding for dessert)
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
3 cups sliced fresh strawberries
2 cups fresh blueberries
   Fresh mint leaves (optional)

1.  Grease the inside of the slow cooker stoneware with nonstick cooking spray or butter.  Place bread, nuts and raisins in prepared stoneware and toss to combine.
2.  Whisk together eggs, milk, vanilla, sugar and cinnamon in separate bowl.  Pour egg mixture over bead mixture; toss to blend.  Cover, cook on LOW for 4 to 4 1/2 hours or on HIGH for 3 hours.
3.  Remove stoneware from heating unit and allow bread pudding to cool and set prior o serving.  Serve garnished with berries and mint leaves, if desired. 



Hope you guys enjoy the recipes as much as we did!

I am not a cook.  The hubby does the cooking around here and I do the cleaning up-- that's the deal.  The only times I definitely cook are Thanksgiving and Christmas and then there's the occasional dabbling here and there.  I used to say if I just had a bigger kitchen, nicer pots, etc. then I would cook more.  Yet... cooking was on the list of my imaginary lives and I find "cooking from scratch regularly" on my list of 101!  What's the deal? 

The good news is that since revisiting my 101 (which I actually looked at two weeks ago but didn't blog about 'til yesterday), I have actually worked on the cooking thing.  On my days off so far, we haven't gone out to eat at all and Chris hasn't had to cook.  And even better-- nothing has been out of the box!  In fact, I'm falling back in love with my crock pot. =)  I found a recipe for some yummy pepper steak the other night and last night I even used it to make some bread pudding =P  Now that Audrey's old enough to "help" in the kitchen, it's even made cooking a lot of fun.  The eventual goal is to be able to just toss ingredients in a pot and have it come out well.  For now though, you'd have to rip the cookbook out of my hands.  Baby steps.  

Here's a couple of pictures of Audrey baking gingersnaps with her dad.

 



My little cook:

It's day 304 of 1001.  I meant to do this at day 300, but better late than never. 

( My 101 )

"There is no such thing as chance; and what seem to us merest accident springs from the deepest source of destiny." -- Friedrich Schiller

Who knew that the girl who always turned in her papers late in Yukimura's AP English class would be doing so much writing later in life?  Along with my endless list writing, I've been doing my morning pages (3 pages of stream of consciousness writing, an exercise I picked up from The Artist's Way) for the past 15 years.  Now here I am, hoping to complete NaBloPoMo on the first try and still toying with the idea of writing a memoir. 

As usual, my inner critic has been nagging at me -- "what makes you think you can write a memoir?"  "Who do you think you are?"  "Who would even be interested in reading your drivel?"  and so on.... (Yes, I'm trying to work on the self-esteem thing.)  Close to a month later, the idea of writing a memoir was just about buried when I opened this month's Costco Connection.  What else could it be but synchronicity?  Inside the magazine were articles on creating chronicles and writing a memoir.  The magazine even pointed out a great site to visit for anyone interested in this kind of writing.  Thankfully, my negative thoughts were not strong enough to make me ignore what some people may just consider coincidence.  Hell, it even got me looking up the person who may have originally planted the idea in my head-- my old English professor who, it turns out, has made a name for himself in the Hawaii art world!   (More synchronicity?  Possibly.)

So I guess this means I gotta keep trying.  A page at a time.  A story at a time.  And like I said before, even if it never turns into a full book, at the very least, I'll have collected a lot of memories to share. 

And speaking of memories, here's a little snippet I wrote for Whitlock's class.  It's the reason I'll never force Audrey into clothes she doesn't want to wear. 

( The Fashion Critic (from  )

Took 600mg ibuprofen about an hour ago and my head is still POUNDING.  Should've taken 800mg.  Still, I'm supposed to post something today.  So... here's the fallback photo of the day.  I just got a message on Flickr that this pic won a recent challenge.  Considering how I'm feeling at the moment, it's the perfect choice.


                                    (Winston "Bubba" with Audrey's tiger.  Well, it WAS her tiger anyway)

Even on a good work day I still feel worn out.  *shrug*  I swear I will have something more substantial tomorrow. 

Just sat down to watch "Dough for the Do-Do" with Audrey and it reminded me of a conversation I recently had with the hubby. 

A few days back, a dear friend of mine posted a link on facebook regarding "the great Baby Einstein scam" which started a nice little discussion among the parents.  Apparently, Chris had a similar discussion with some of his friends and acquaintances regarding "educational" television and even got some flack for watching Sponge Bob with our 2 1/2 year old daughter.  (Which, btw, is the cartoon that's always on at our pediatrician's office and our pediatric dentist's office).  Granted, there are some shows I just can't let Audrey watch when she's at home with me (Dora just melts my brain!  I swear a few seconds of that show brings my IQ down at least 5 points.) but not everything she/we watch has to be educational.

I swear most of the cartoons now are educational.  And if it isn't, it's because it's meant for adults.  I really miss the good 'ol days, specifically Looney Tunes.  Looney Tunes was my introduction to classical music.  I may not have learned the titles of the pieces, but by george I recognized every one of them.  I'm pretty sure it's even influenced my love for opera.  Remember the episode with Bugs Bunny and the opera singer?  and one my favorites -- Porky Pig doing Wagner?  And the best part of it all?  I watched them without realizing I was learning something.  I thought it was purely entertainment.  Imagine my delight this morning when I started watching "Dough for the Do-Do" (after so MANY years) and realized that there were art references everywhere!  The background smacked of Salvador Dali!  I couldn't help but smile. 

So... even though Audrey may not learn how to read from Merry Melodies (phonics by Porky!), I say bring it on!  What else could get us both giggling in our pajamas in front of the tv?

Th-th-that's all folks!
 

I knew today would be a long day at work since I had to be there for 14 1/2 hours, but damn!  I was lucky to get a lunch break.  I'm just glad I made it through the day.  And now here I am, trying not to fail NaBloPoMo on the third day. =)  So for tonight, another  photo.  I'll find the time for words tomorrow.


I loved the colors of this tulip.  It was a flower from one of the bouquets a patient left us.  I'll probably just have to put this up with better resolution tomorrow.  Flickr's being too darn slow on uploading and I only have so much time left tonight to post.

Once again, night all!

and it's only the second day!  I figured my biggest challenge this month would be posting on my work days, but I wasn't counting on it to be quite so tiring.  Today's not too bad, though-- at least I'm already on here and it's not even 9:30 yet.  Tomorrow will be something else-- I don't even get off work until 9:30-- a full 14 1/2 hours of at work.  Fun.  With any luck, I'll be off for at least a couple of hours.  I won't be holding my breath, though. 

Anyway, today being a work day, there isn't really much to say today unless I start discussing my patients.  Which I won't be doing.  So... I'll just be posting a random photo from today.  If there was ever a time for Julia Cameron's prayer, it's today: "(God) I'll take care of the quantity, you take care of the quality"  Because this month is just about getting my blog entries done.  Hell, I may even do a few memes.



(close-up of a lei we gave our manager today.  actually, she's the director but my unit hasn't had a manager in a very long time and she's been taking care of us.  though Boss's Day was a while back, we figured we'd give her a little token of appreciation)

                                                                 

I said in a previous post that I was considering signing up for this year's NaBloPoMo challenge, and the masochist that is me actually did it.  I guess I better remember to bring my camera with me everywhere I go.

Anyhow, Halloween went fairly well last night.  We had gone to Ko'olina to have dinner with friends and  take the kids trick or treating.  We had a 5 month old monkey, a 15 month old spider, an 18 moth old pumpkin, and Audrey, the Pokey Little Puppy.  Unfortunately, she was mistaken for a little cow a couple of times, but she was quick to correct them =)  She definitely enjoyed this year a lot more since she got to pick her own costume and got to play one of her favorite book characters.  It also helped once she realized that just saying 'trick or treat" and "happy halloween" can score her some candy.  Luckily the kids were satisfied (and tired) after hitting only a few streets because sad to say, Halloween is not what it once was.  When did Halloween mean hitting the malls?  Granted, we weren't out for very long, but we ran into ONE small group of trick or treaters while walking the neighborhood, and most of the homes had their lights turned off =(   How long has it been this way?  Were we that sheltered living in military housing?  I can still remember how non-military kids would come in vans to hit the houses on base.  *sigh*  I hope I never have to tell her how "back in MY day, people had fun on Halloween."

So here are just a couple of pictures from last night.  I hope everyone else enjoyed themselves.  Blessed Samhain to all!

( Halloween pictures ) 

    

 

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. -- Melody Beattie

Just as it was with the creativity thing, at some point this year, I stopped giving thanks every night.  I'm not quite sure why that is, though I suspect it had a lot to do with being too tired to even think.  Looking back, (I've been told I may do this a little too much) I can see what a difference it made.  So I've decided to try it again.  This time around, I got myself a pretty little notebook that I'm gonna write in before bed.  Some may ask, "Why write it down?"  "Wouldn't having to write it down make you less likely to do it if you're feeling tired?".  The way I see it, it would give me something to look at on the days that I'm having a rough time.  And for someone prone to depression like I am, having something tangible is more reassuring than someone telling me everything will get better.  So... wish me luck this time around folks.  Better yet, why not join me?  

Last night's 5:
- alone time with the hubby.  We don't get to have it too often outside of our little couch potato time when the kid's in bed.
- even though Audrey is sick again (man, but it's been a rough month!), it's only her first time being on antibiotics despite almost being 3 
- Dr. Sumida: the best pediatrician a kid can have.  Trust me, I work with some.
- understanding friends:  Michelle and Carolyn, HOW do you put up with me?  
- gratitude journals: another excuse to buy a pretty notebook.  (I can't help it, alright?  books/sketchbooks/notebooks are my addiction.  I must have them!)