Do I need to say more?

I made it!  An entire week of no reading books, magazines, or blogs.  Except for Flickr (which does not require reading), I even managed to stay away from the internet.  I had to read at work, of course, but that's hardly reading to kill time and it definitely wasn't for pleasure.  So what did I get out of it?  A surprising bit, actually.  

I thought I was going to go mad.  Oddly enough, I think I'm a bit saner now.  It started out quite roughly.  I didn't do a single creative thing.  Instead, I managed to clear out a drawer full of papers and managed to toss out or file everything.  Then I  hit a box of clothes that needed either ironing, tossing out, or packing up.  I got quite a bit of organizing and a bit of cleaning, come to think of it.  I also managed to find the time I kept saying I didn't have to work out.  I wrote my pages 6 out of 7 days (a record!) AND because organizing the storage closet meant I could get to my art materials, I even got a little sketching done!  Hell, I even found a calligraphy kit I forgot I had.  Didn't get the chance to play with it, but now that I know it's there, I think I'll try my hand at it.  To end the whole thing, I completed my first month of my photo-a-day project. 

So... I don't think I'll be doing much whining anymore about not having the time to do anything.  I never realized how much time I spent online.  I swear I was going into withdrawal the first day.  Now that I'm aware of this, I'll still be coming on LJ  and I will be back to reading my wonderful blogs, but  what I CAN give up is all the extra time I spend browsing online.   As far as reading anything else goes, I would NEVER give up reading my books.  Hell no!  If anything, being deprived of them once again means I'm not going to ever take it for granted.  Maybe I'll even spend some of the time I would have spent online reading a new book instead.  Nah... a book (or two) at a time is enough.  If anything, I think my art materials will finally be used once again.  Now does that sound like I learned a lesson? 

( And here's how I spent part of the time NOT reading )

So, as I've very briefly mentioned in my last post, I am starting the dreaded Week 4 of The Artist's Way-- reading deprivation week.  For those who aren't familiar with the program, the idea is to take away the distractions and tap into my creativity.  After all, "words are like tiny tranquilizers" (so true for me).  I won't be cutting out ALL reading this week (I do still have to read charts at work... or do I?), but I will be staying away from Facebook and the lovely blogs I follow online. You may still see a post or two from me, but I won't be doing any reading.  =(  This will be more challenging than the other times I've attempted this since I just started such a great book.  I WILL try at least.  I'll also have to curb my Flickr browsing and just learn to upload my pics and log out.  Ack!   I just feel bad for my hubby... I could just end up more grumpy.  

Loving this book. I think this is the first time that I've wanted to reread the book already when I'm just 50+ pages in. So glad I'm getting the chance to sit and read again. Just in time for the reading deprivation week to start in The Artist's Way. Nooooooooo!

Thank you all so much for the kind words after the last post I wrote.  Like lillyrosechen said, I was having a bad day.  I was having a bad week, actually.  I won't go into it right now, but suffice to say, I was REALLY moody.  The good news is that I didn't delete anything after writing.  In fact, I've already posted a bunch of new photos from the past two days.  I really don't have a whole lot to say today.  I just wanted to express my gratitude for having such wonderful online friends. 

                                 THANK YOU!


Here's a photo I took the day after my self-flagellation.  It's my version of the ring on a book. 


 
   

Over the years I have mastered the art of self-sabotage.  From relationships to my own self-worth, I've truly become adept at turning something good into a piece of shit.  Things could be going perfectly and I would always end up fucking things over because of the simple fact that I CANNOT accept that there isn't something behind it all.  It was so much easier when the saboteur was an outsider.  No matter how painful it can be, one can always get away from a poisonous friend or relative.  But what if I were the poison?  How do I get away from myself?  And why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself?  Am I really that much of a masochist?  Have I just been in denial about actually liking the drama?  I mean, who would want to admit to that?

Let's take this whole photography business, for instance.  I've always enjoyed taking photographs but at some point, I let it go.  I don't recall why or how, it just... stopped.  Then a little over a year ago, I rediscovered how much I like it.  I've enjoyed it so much that I actually started treating myself to short photographic excursions and putting some of my photos up online to be seen.  Hell, I was even proud enough of a few of them that I made business cards out of them!  Even the hubby noticed it enough to get me a  new DSLR for Christmas.  Then what do I do this week?  I start doubting.  That evil D word that I really need to take out of my vocabulary.  First, it was the quality of my work.  Is it any good?  If others say it's good, they're just being nice.  And if I say it's good, then it's only because I have poor taste.  Aren't I supposed to just like one or two shots out of a hundred?  Why am I liking so many of my photos?  It must be because my standards are so low.  THEN... Why am I taking these pictures in the first place?  Pictures of my family and of events, fine-- it's documentary.  But the rest of it?  Am I actually arrogant enough to call it art?  *gasp*  If not, then why do it?       

Will someone please save me from my insanity?  I know I have issues, but damn!  It's taking everything in me to keep from deleting pictures on my Flickr page.  *sigh*

Sitting here reading Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar (funny AND informative!) and it reminds me of a question that used to pop into my head occasionally.   The question goes like this:

How do we know that the colors we see are the same?  How do we know that when one sees blue, another doesn't actually see red?  And that the only reason we both call it "blue" is that we were taught to call it as such?  How do we know we're actually SEEING the same thing?  Sure, you can give me an answer about light, wavelengths, and rods & cones in our eyes, but... how do we REALLY know? 

Odd question to wonder about, right?  Especially more than once.  Perhaps.  Then again... I was 10.  Who knew someone so young could wax philosophic?  If only I had a more interesting professor in college.  Maybe then I wouldn't have dropped my philosophy class.  Or maybe I would've anyway....

Took Audrey to the dentist today and she did so well that we decided to take her to the store and use her Christmas gift card from Grandpa Glenn and Nana Love.  We let her wander around the toy section and despite being told she can pick whatever she wants, she walked around and only selected two things-- a moon sand set that lets her "dig up" dinosaur bones and a little stamp set.  She and I then wandered over to the school supplies (she IS my kid after all) and she picked up another set of markers and new paintbrushes.  THEN we hit the crafts section.  I don't think I've ever gone as nuts as she did.  It felt good to let her pick out what she wanted though.  And so the entire afternoon was spent making things for everyone.  Here's just a sampling of today's projects:


a frame for her favorite picture with her friend "C"


a necklace for Monty the dinosaur



All this just reminds me that I need to work on my own stuff. 

"Creativity is play, but for shadow artists, learning to allow themselves to play is hard work." -- TAW

I've always considered myself to be a pretty darn hard worker.  But when it comes to playing, it's been a struggle.  When I finally do play, I often end up feeling guilty for "wasting time" instead of doing things that need or have to be done.  I hate feeling guilty!  Unfortunately, like I told Kerri, it's the only thing I got from Catholicism. ha!  Luckily, I have an almost-three-year-old here to teach me to play.  The anal person in me has come to enjoy coloring outside the lines and decorating the floor with stickers.  I've learned that daddy doesn't have to be spelled D-A-D-D-Y  and that stuffed animals can be used to decorate Christmas trees.   I've learned that dinosaurs can have heffalumps for best friends and that a horse can be named "Rusty the cowboy".  And who knew that eight was after twelve? 

Cameron says that "Artists love other artists....  Very often, audacity, not talent, makes one person an artist and another a shadow artist-- hiding in the shadows, afraid to step out and expose the dream to the light, fearful that it will disintegrate to the touch."  I have become my daughter's shadow artist.  Go figure.  If I can just learn from her a little more, perhaps I'll finally be able to step out of the shadows.  My dreams need a tan. 


A couple of healing stones I picked up on one of my artist dates.  Sodalite to draw wisdom and "create", and agate to increase the courage to "dream". 

After months of saying that I was going to watch Julie and Julia, I finally did it.  Julie so reminds me of me-- though she has a little more determination and fewer breakdowns.  It reminded me of the whole wanting to cook more and blog more bit that I was going through not too long ago.  Well, I think it's time to get back to it.  I won't be doing anything near what Julie did, of course.  I mean, who has the time?  But I wouldn't mind cooking a real meal from scratch weekly.  WEEKLY?  That doesn't sound like a big deal for some folks, but it is for me.  Chris usually does the cooking around here and I am the queen of boxed/frozen/canned food (except for Thanksgiving, but that only comes once a year!)  As I see it, it'll only help with the getting healthier goal for the year. 

But the cooking and blogging wasn't the only thing that spoke to me.  Feeling like a failure for  starting so many things and not finishing it was all too familiar.  Julia Cameron says "Give yourself permission to be a beginner," meaning don't expect your first attempts to be anywhere near perfection.  And as the anal person that I can sometimes often be, that sounds like the reason that would keep me from finishing anything.  In actuality, it's what keeps me from moving on.  Being a beginner is so much simpler-- lower expectations=less fear.  Once you've moved past beginner, the expectations grow higher, the pressure builds, and then voila!  a breakdown.  I SO need a better way to deal with pressure.  I sometimes wonder how I never fell into drugs and alcohol growing up.  

Anyway, here I am again, starting/re-starting something new.  I just need to remind myself that it's about the process and not the product.  Once I've formed the habit, then I can think about the quality.  *fingers crossed*  Maybe if I get myself this shirt, I won't forget so easily. =)

 

15 years ago, I picked up a book-- The Artist's Way.  For years I've filled many, many notebooks with morning pages, but never quite completed the program.  A year-and-a-half ago, I joined a wonderful group of women and attempted to do more than just read the book and write the pages.  Although I started out really well (actually taking myself out on artistic excursions and rediscovering my love for photography), my work schedule got a bit hectic and I ended up stopping somewhere in week 7.  Looking back, I realized that only when I am doing something creative that I am truly happy with myself.  So in November, I decided to do NaBloPoMo in an effort to get the creative spark going.  Half way through it, I got sick.  Uh.. yeah.

And here it is, a new year and I'm feeling better.  So in the spirit of new beginnings, I have once again joined a cluster to work through the book and hope that THIS time I will complete the program, make a habit of artist dates again, jump start the creativity and keep it going.  I no longer want to be "creative in spasms.  Creative as an act of will and ego....Creative, yes, but in spurts, like blood from a severed carotid artery" as Julia wrote (you'd think she knew me!)

So fasten your seat belts, folks!  If this is anything like what it was when I first got started, it'll definitely be a roller coaster ride. 


A bookmark I've had for a while now.  I thought it was fitting for the new year. 

It's that time of year again, when people look back on the passing year and make resolutions for the coming one.  I've already made up my mind that there will be no resolutions this year either, just reviewing my 101 and figure out a way to check on it more often (monthly? weekly?). 

I am SO looking forward to 2010.  Unfortunately, this year hasn't been the greatest (health-wise) for the family.  Outside of the typical nasty colds that have been passed around, there were multiple surgeries (one of which was a total cluster f*&k) and then there was my whole headache ordeal (which still hasn't been answered definitely).  But except for all the time spent in hospitals and doctors' offices, it wasn't all bad, really.  Chris picked up a couple more clients that he enjoys working with, we got to hang out with Brad and Kerri for a while on their way from Australia to the mainland, we took Kerri, Tanya and Audrey to their first Thunderbirds show,  and after all the dreaded textbook reading, I finally got certified in Maternal Newborn Nursing.  Audrey spent a lot of time at the beach, got to go on her first camping and fishing trip, and has really enjoyed doing her own photography and going to Gymboree.  In addition, I have finally reconnected with my cousins, aunts and uncles from the Philippines and as a result, we are now plotting a grand family reunion for 2011 =).   And so, as I've mentioned before, I am ready for 2010.  Hopefully, all health issues have been resolved, and there will be a longer list of happy moments and accomplishments (with pictures, of course!) at the end of next year.  With my headaches now controlled, a new artist's way cluster joined, and a new DSLR camera waiting for me, I hope to keep this blog updated more regularly than I did the beginning of this year.  

Although we put our tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving, we never got to fully decorate it until this past weekend. It seemed that every time we started, I'd have one of my little headaches, and it never got done. Meanwhile, Audrey and I worked on a couple of ornaments and a red paper chain to wrap around the tree. I thought it turned out pretty well, so here's a couple of pics or our (mostly) toddler safe tree.


Before the clean up under the tree. Other than the ornaments we have gotten from family, the ornaments were limited to felt, light wood, and ribbon-- in other words, unbreakable. The only thing missing now is the topper. We realized a little bit late that our old one doesn't work with the LCD lights. That will soon be taken care of though.

The Audrey school of Christmas tree decorating: put similar ornaments together:



I was "allowed" to color some of the wooden ornaments. She was in charge of the glitter. =)

Can't have a toddler and a tree without the paper chain:


Then there's my favorite part of the tree:


She found a stuffed toy squirrel in my room and decided that it should live in the tree. Where else would it be? When she saw that I had a couple of pine cones stashed away, she had to add that in as well. =) While typing this out, the one pine cone just quadrupled. Apparently, the tree is more incomplete than I thought.

Hope you enjoyed the pics! I should have a few more to share later on.

I was having a good great day yesterday and in the evening I actually had Christmas music playing. Song after familiar song came on and here I was actually singing along and enjoying myself. Then something hit me. I needed to hear some Filipino Christmas carols. And what better place to go than YouTube? I found a few songs and sang along with the bits that I could remember. It brought back such wonderful memories of my childhood.

I MISS Filipino caroling. Back in the Philippines, kids would start collecting metal bottle caps when the holiday season was around the corner. They'd flatten them up, find a metal wire and create their own version of tambourine. Some kids just needed a tin can and a stick, others would make maracas from the tin can. They'd have their own line up of songs and once the Christmas season started, they'd walk the neighborhood and go door to door to sing Christmas carols. They'd stand in front of a doorway and start singing Tagalog and English Christmas carols. If the folks at home were feeling generous (and most do, even during tough times), they'd open their doors and give the kids some coins. If they're feeling really generous, they'd give the kids a couple of pesos and the kids would then gladly sing more songs and even take requests. =) The kids would then end with this song: "Thank you, thank you! Ang babait ninyo!" (Thank you, thank you! You are so kind!). BUT if there are people in the house and they don't even bother to open the door and say thanks for singing, the kids end with THIS song: "Thank you, thank you, ang dadamot ninyo!" (Thank you, thank you, you are so selfish!) Kids... gotta love 'em.

Although I think the kids were the best carolers, they weren't the only ones to go door to door. Caroling was one of the ways that church groups and teachers would raise money (they were the ones I remember who would come to our house). Unlike the children, the adults would be accompanied by a guitar and of course sounded (a little) better. I remember my mom would always have the house set up so that everyone interested could watch the carolers without difficulty, and she would always have a ton of food ready for them once they were done singing. I know I have a photo of my teachers singing Christmas carols at our home when I was... five? I'll just have to remember to post it once I find it.

*sigh* Christmas just felt different back in the Philippines. I must bring my hubby and daughter there one of these Christmases. Just don't expect me to bring pasalubong (gifts) for anyone except for the little ones. Because as big as my family is out there, I would NEVER be able to raise enough money to get back.

Here's the only video I could find of kids caroling in the Philippines. Not the best quality, but you get the idea.

Chris and Audrey came with me to get my MRI done this morning. While waiting for me to come out, Chris had explained to her that they were looking in mom's head.

Chris: Hey Audrey, what's in Mom's head?
Audrey: Rocks!
Me: You're so funny! What's in YOUR head?
Audrey: nothing!

Got to give Audrey her bath last night and put her to bed. It sounds so trivial, but it was a huge deal for me to get some semblance of our routine back. I needed that. This whole thing has really gotten me into a funk. I'm just glad that it's past three in the afternoon and so far, so good. Now if I can just get some real sleep and get through a couple of tolerable days in a row, maybe I can get back to work. You know I'm in trouble when I actually WANT to go to work.

Finally felt up to uploading some pictures from a few weeks ago and figured I'd share the goofy ones for now. More detail on Audrey's first camping trip on the next post. The following photos were taken in the early morning after our first camping breakfast. All the ducks started out in the water. I'm not sure exactly when they heard us coming, but as soon as they did, they all decided to come and see us....


just starting to come out of the water


and here they come


getting closer...


and closer...


I'm surrounded! Now they're heading up hill towards Audrey



Innocently feeding the first comers


and a few more...


Uh-oh. Out of bread.



Run away!




none of them are actually chasing her, but she doesn't know that =)

I guess I'll try again next year. Maybe even in the next couple of months. Still made it a lot further than I thought I would at least. Congratulations to all who made it through. Even though I haven't had a chance to comment on too many people's blogs over the last half of the month, I have done a little lurking and I'm glad to have read through your stuff. Hopefully soon this darn headache thing will be gone and I'll be back in the swing of this blogging thing. Good news is that I got an appointment with the neurologist later this month after being told it usually takes months to get in. Docs are still unsure of what the heck is going on and more lab tests were done today. At least the blood tests on the kidneys and liver are all good despite the ton of pain meds I've been gulping down lately. I hope to give everyone some good news soon. 'Til then, enjoy the cuteness that is Joaquin Phoenix thanks to the NaBloPoMo folks =)